Three men were aesthetically injured last night when local man Lincoln Nebraska oversaturated a photo. Nebraska, in a statement to authorities, said, “I was with a couple of friends last night, looking at photos of my recent trip to Vermont. We were in the corner of the den where my ‘studio’ is located, and on one shot, my buddy Jake said, ‘that looks a little dull, why don’t you turn the saturation up to 11.’ I looked at him like, ‘what drugs are you on, man?’ but then Al egged me on, saying, ‘come on man, nobody’s watching.’ So I did it, and the resulting colors were so strong and vivid that the three of us had to shield our eyes. The dog that was sleeping at the other end of room woke up and started barking. Then he ran out of the room”
With his vision thus impaired, Nebraska was unable to locate the Saturation slider. Frantic and running out of options, Nebraska tried to remember the shortcut for a B&W conversion, but in the confusion put the oversaturated image into full-screen mode instead. Sensing imminent aesthetic damage, Nebraska and friends stumbled out of the room and phoned authorities.
A County HazSat team was quickly deployed and brought the situation under control hours later. Nebraska and his friends are currently recovering in a low saturation facility in Madison.
Following the incident, The Society for the Prevention of Oversaturation (TSPOS) issued the following statement.
“Over saturating is a serious issue that is not getting enough attention in the mainstream media. Every day, millions of peoples’ aesthetic sensibilities are permanently damaged by the countless oversaturated, syrupy sweet photos posted online.”
“Every second, 4 children are exposed to an oversaturated photo. This has a cumulative effect on their young, developing aesthetic sensibilities, ultimately making the real, physical world look drab and unexciting in comparison. Is it any wonder that they retreat to richly saturated video games and the huetastic virtual world?”
“TSPOS proposes a simple answer to this aesthetic epidemic–require all software to have multikey codes to unlock the Saturation slider. Right now, anyone with a mouse or fingertip can just slide the Saturation slider to 100 in the blink of an eye and post the resulting radioactive photo to Facebook, Flickr, Instagram, even 500px. With our proposed legislation, a user would have to press Command-Option-Shift-F5 in order to unlock the Saturation slider for five seconds. Hopefully, with the appropriate consumer safeguards, we can bring this saturation epidemic under control.
The Nebraska family cat is still missing. Authorities fear that she got to close to the screen and was sucked into YouTube. If you see a cat on YouTube that goes by the name of Snowball, please alert authorities.