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Millions of Photographers Dismayed by Size, Weight of Christmas Present

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On Christmas morning, millions of photographers are going to wake up to find photography goodies under their Christmas tree. They’ve been nice all year, and Santa’s going to reward their good photography with a box about the size and weight of the new body and/or lens they’ve been wanting.

For millions of others though, Christmas won’t be so bright and shiny and new. They’re not going to have new camera toys to charge, no protective clear film to remove from LCD screens, no instruction manuals in five different languages, no little desiccant bags to save. These photographer have been naughty, and they’re going to receive boxes that look suspiciously like sweater boxes and tie boxes and tie boxes and wallet boxes. Here are some of their woeful stories…

Amir is truly and sincerely sorry for using the sepia filter as much as he did in 2013. He swears that it was just a phase. Sepia landscape. Sepia portrait. Sepia car. Since late November, he’s gone cold turkey (we won’t count that one time he sepia-toned a photo in Lightroom and then undid it). But one month of discretion does not make up for eleven months of poor judgement. Too little, too late. Poor Amir is going to have to live with his new Weber grill this summer, daydreaming about the Sony RX100II he could have had….if only he had been good.

Chad doesn’t understand why he’s getting a pair of fuzzy slippers this year instead of a Panasonic GX7. After all, he volunteered at the local soup kitchen and regularly helped old ladies cross the street. But one look at his hard drive reveals his sin – too many brick walls, too many shots of the bookshelf on the other side of the room, too many photos of random items from the kitchen cupboard placed on the countertop and photographed in poor light. Santa’s elves, who this year have been trained by the NSA to remotely analyze peoples’ photo libraries, found that 80% of Chad’s photos this year were test shots. Most alarmingly, there were no photos of cats. So poor Chad will just have to live with the fuzzy slippers and the Sony Playstation 4 that he’s getting instead, and will have to drown his regret in an orgy of virtual violence.

Little Sally used HDR just one or two (hundred) times too many this year. It was just so tempting. She learned about it in early February, and ever since then she’s been exposing all of her photos to HDR (aka, High Doses of Radiation). So instead of getting that nice Olympus 12-40 F2.8 zoom, Santa’s giving her a home made quilt, made by her Uncle Milt. And while she’ll smile and pretend to like it when she opens it, inside she’s seething. “I swear,” she says, “the next time I see ‘Santa’ I’m going to freakin’ punch him in the nuts.” Yes, honesty is the best policy, Sally, but with an attitude like that you’ll be starting 2014 in a deficit.

Here’s hoping that you, dear reader, have been a good photographer this year and that the present under your Christmas tree is the desired size and weight!

5 COMMENTS

  1. The real tragedy is Canon EOS-M, Hasselblad Lunar and other lunatic products! Your writing keeps me away from a cuckoo hospital, Prozac etc!

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