The ABA (American Bartending Association) has announced the winners (or is it losers?) of their annual “10 Most Bitter Professionals” list and Pro Photographers have made the list for the 6th consecutive year.
The list has been compiled every year by the ABA since 1953, and is the result of surveying the association’s more than 20,000 licensed bartenders around the country and Micronesia. Bartenders are asked to evaluate a professional’s bitterness by a number of criteria, including:
- Which professionals are most likely to drink every day after work?
- Which professionals are most likely to talk about how much they hate their work?
- Which professionals don’t see a way out of their pitiful existence?
- Which professional are most likely to dread tomorrow?
“Photographers are unique in our list because many of them are sole proprietors or small business people. So unlike other professionals, professional photographers aren’t bitter due to a psychotic boss or the soul numbing anonymity of being a small, forgettable cog in a large, evil corporate machine. Their bitterness is different. It’s special. And it’s uniquely theirs.”
Without any further ado, here it is, The 10 Most Bitterest Professionals of 2013.
Ten Most Bitter Professionals of 2013
A perennial favorite, bitter because after all these years people still don’t know what the hell they do. Prefer red wines, because that’s what their actuarial tables told them to drink.
9. School Bus Drivers
Most didn’t like kids before they took the job, so becoming a bus driver is like purgatory on earth for them. Prefer screwdrivers, because you can’t smell it on their breath.
8. Mid-level Managers
Thought they had potential, and then peaked at 30. No more promotions, or that one that they couldn’t handle and then had to step back down in shame. Work is pure, mind numbing drudgery, particularly when a young 20-something comes in with new “ideas.” All that’s left now is the waiting for death. Prefer Corona, because they think it’s radical.
7. Beat Poets
They’re just like never understood man. Get my drift? Prefer absinthe and brooding in the corner.
6. Supermarket Self-Checkout Monitors
Hated by co-workers because they’re supporting a system that’s caused three of their friends to lose their jobs. Hated by management because “the damn self-checkout machines aren’t perfect yet so I’ve still gotta employ your damn worthless ass.” Prefer shots, one after another, with a “beep” after each one.
5. Microsoft Store Employees
Because saying “I work at the Microsoft Store” is not nearly as good a pickup line as “I work at the Apple Store.” Prefer Zima.
4. US Congressmen
Misunderstood. Work so hard to perpetuate their own jobs, hand out political favors for friends and family, and court wealthy donors for their re-election, and still aren’t loved by the people. Drink in private rooms, often accompanied by younger escorts of both genders.
3. Professional Photographers
Now competing with every Tom, Dick, and Henrietta with a camera and two photo classes under their belt, and serving clients happy to just Google photos for their websites. Hates it when client says, “Let’s just use this photo that my 13 year old nephew took with his iPhone.” Prefer whisky and brandy, neat, because it “numbs the sadness faster.”
2. Bar Mitvah Bartenders
Never the life of the party, never asked to join in, a perpetual observer, and then asked to fill out stupid annual surveys. Prefer water, as a form of protest.
1. Automotive Nav Systems
Often ignored and rarely appreciated, they’re never allowed to express their frustration at the stupid driving they see every day, so they vent at the bar. “I told them the exit was coming up but they didn’t move over!” “Now we’re late! Why didn’t you believe me when I told you it was going to take 50 minutes to get there?” “Quit tapping my screen, I’m recalculating thanks to your bonehead move!” Prefer 12V DC.
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