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Steve Stonewall Speaks to Nikon D4s


Well, he’s done it again! Blogger Steve Stonewall, who last year set a world record with 400 consecutive positive camera reviews, has managed to beat all other bloggers and websites with the very first review of the new Nikon D4s!

While at first this may seem like simple bragging rights, it’s much more complex than that. The Nikon D4s, after all was announced to be in development at the recent Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, with a model secured under plexiglass at the Nikon booth. Sure there may be some development copies floating around the Nikon skunkworks back in Tokyo, but they certainly aren’t given to the media.

So how did Stonewall do it? Did he sneak into the convention center late at night and do a Mission Impossible from the rafters? Did he ply Nikon executives with mojitos?

Some (obviously jealous) bloggers and forum experts accuse him of simply reading the rumored specs and then writing a bogus “review,” but Stonewall denies such taunts vociferously. In a technique that he calls “Cameric Channelling,” Stonewall claims that he can, via the gamma frequencies of his mind, meld his consciousness with the camera, essentially becoming one with the camera. Amazingly, he does not even need to touch the camera, just meditate while looking at a photo of the camera. It also helps if his spirit is centered, so he usually lights some incense, dims the lights, puts on a flowing robe, removes his underwear (“so that my Chakras don’t bind” he says), and sits on the floor in lotus position. From there he can divine everything he needs to know about the camera and then write his review days, even weeks ahead of other bloggers and websites. With this technique, Stonewall can understand intimately how the camera will feel, operate, and perform with such a degree of accuracy that visitors to his site can pre-order using the affiliate links he provides without any fear or doubt. Stonewall say, “It’s like the Vulcan Mind Meld, but cooler.”

Skeptics still aren’t convinced. Some claim the D4s under glass at CES was just a mockup, so that this “Cameric Channelling” wouldn’t work. Stonewall sees otherwise. “Even it is a mockup, inside the atoms of the mockup are muons that contain the hopes and aspirations of the Nikon engineers, left there when they created the mockup. I know that this sounds hokey, but it’s true, and I feel sorry for those with minds so little that they don’t understand.”

This technique took Stonewall years to master. “I first practiced on simpler inanimate objects, like toasters. I’d sit there and imagine the bread toasting, and then all of a sudden, BAM! I had toast. Next, I graduated to microwaves. I’d close my eyes and imagine warm oatmeal, and then I’d hear a distant bell. When I opened my eyes, there was warm oatmeal!” He’s clearly graduated to increasingly more sophisticated objects, and the D4s was quite a challenge.

With this technique, we have no doubt that Stonewall will continue to set records and continue his domination of the camera blogger world. Before we ended our Skype, Stonewall clued us into his next challenge, Cameric Channelling with a good photographer. If he can manage that, it will be game, set, and match for Steve Stonewall.

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  1. Can Steve talk to my camera and tell it to take better pictures? It seems to have post-traumatic shutter shock disorder.

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