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REVIEW: Hasselblad HV

I know that it is completely and entirely unprofessional to start a review like this, but my loins burn for the Hasselblad HV. This is not a camera, this is a work of high art, worthy of comparison to anything by Anselm Kiefer or even Kiefer Sutherland. The mere idea of this camera keeps me up at night and urges me to write haiku:

Hasselblad HV
You burn deep within my loins
I am volcano

No, this is not phallic

No, this is not phallic

But before we get too carried away, let’s go over in exquisite detail just how exceptional the Hasselblad HV really is. Hasselblad’s been on some kind of streak lately. First the Lunar entered our orbit, a stunning collection of wood, leather and Sony. Badge engineering of this degree has not been seen since Chrysler made a Maserati, and the world was rightly stunned. But not the type of company to wrest upon their laurels, Hasselblad followed with the eponymous Stellar, wrought in aluminum and a variety of woods (wenge, mahogany, padouk, and even carbon fiber for the tech savvy fashionista!). And now this, the HV!

Neither is this.

Neither is this.

The heart of the HV is an outstanding 24 megapickle full frame sensor. Other camera makers like Sony have 24 megapickle full frame sensors, but this sensor is unlike anything the world has ever seen. Meticulously hand-built by technicians with perfect 20-20 vision and who don’t drink coffee, the HV sensor is studded with 24 thousand Swarovski crystals, set in place using solid gold tweezers and fine tuned to capture the light in all of its photonic brilliance. That’s just the beginning, but owners really won’t have to go into any detail to impress their label-conscious friends. The camera comes standard with a Zeiss zoom lens of such high quality that even those that don’t know a thing about cameras will think to themselves, “That sounds German, it must be good…and expensive!” Hasselblad…Swarovski…Zeiss…drop those brands at a cocktail party and all assembled will simply assume that you are a great photographer and not just holding a gussied up Sony!

Rear

Rear

As a special concierge feature, Hasselblad will, for a considerable sum, glue the mode dial to the P position, which of course stands for Perfect photos. And lest you accuse Hasselblad of cutting corners, the glue is made from the finest thoroughbreds and aged in oak casks for ten years.

Front [all photos: Hasselblad]

Front [all photos: Hasselblad]

So there it, a review of the most critical features of the Hasselblad HV, arguably the most important camera of the century! I could go on and on, but I think that I need to see a doctor about this heat in my loins.

CORRECTION: Following the posting of this review, it was later discovered that the NCN reviewer’s loins were in fact burning, not from the Hasselblad HV, but instead from a habanero pepper that somehow ended up in said reviewer’s boxers. We know nothing.

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Review overview
Sounds expensive
Swarovski crystals
Can take photos of your Lamborghini
"It is better to look good than to feel good."

7 COMMENTS

  1. This was simply the best review. At first I was thinking it was going to be another puff piece about this devolution of brand. But as soon as I read “Megapickles,” I knew it was certainly worth the read.

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