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NSA and IBM’s Watson Conduct World’s Largest Portfolio Review

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The NSA and IBM have announced the results of their joint research project, “Just How Good are American Photographers?” Combining the NSA’s vast store of citizen data with IBM Watson’s unprecedented computing abilities has made this question, once impossible to answer without taint of bias, now within scientific, objective reach.

Over the course of several weeks, Watson was programmed to review the virtual portfolios of nearly every American that has posted photos on Facebook, Flickr, and other sites. It was a huge undertaking considering the vast stores of personal data that the NSA stores, but Watson was undeterred and indefatigable. The IBM team, in a fit of whimsy, programmed Watson to ‘voice’ his verdict after each portfolio review and let the NCN Crack New Team (NCN CNT) listen in on some of Watson’s judgements…

“Meh…meh…ugh…meh…meh…meh…ugh…ugh…ugh…keep your day job…meh…meh…meh…not bad…meh…meh…meh…boobies…ugh…ugh…ugh…this mediocrity is making me depressed…ugh…meh…ugh…meh…ugh…help…ugh…meh…me”

Some additional bits of information from the study include:

  • There was absolutely no correlation between sensor size and quality.
  • Buying a new camera did not improve the photographer.
  • Cats > Dogs

A spokesperson for the project said flatly, “This type of government/corporate cooperation is the future. Please continue to use your broadband and data plans and thank you for your contributions.”

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