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Interview: Hasselblad Moon


NCN had the good fortune to interview the Hasselblad Moon, the only camera to go to the moon and back. We think.

NCN: Thank you for joining us.

Hasselblad Moon: It’s a little late, but that’s ok.

NCN: We’re sorry, it’s only 4:00pm

Hasselblad Moon: Exactly, and dinner is served at 4:30. Can we get on with the interview already? They’re serving fois gras tonight.

NCN: We’ll try our best to get you out of here in time for the fois gras….you eat fois gras?

Hasselblad Moon: Tick…tick…tick.

NCN: Ok. Sorry. These last couple of weeks must have been a roller coaster ride! With the auction and the speculation and all of the media! How are you hanging in there?

Hasselblad Moon: You do realize that I went to the moon, right? Do you think fifteen minutes of Internet fame would raise my ISO even half a stop?

NCN: I guess you’re right. On to the questions that our readers want to hear about. When you were a young camera, did you dream of going to the moon?

Hasselblad Moon: No, not really. When I was growing up the dream of all the young cameras was to get bought by a turtleneck-wearing, hi-fi enthusiast in the suburbs. Some lucky schmucks got to live that cushy life, while others sought adventure in the big war and all of the proxy wars fought in the decades after. But then Kennedy made this bold speech about going to the moon before the end of the sixties. I was sitting on a shelf in Houston when he made that speech and all of us just looked at each other with wide open apertures, thinking, “what’s a moon?” Only later did we hear that it was a ball in the sky made of green cheese. I like cheese, so I made up my mind that I wanted to go.

NCN: You eat fois gras….and cheese?

Hasselblad Moon: Tick….tick…

NCN: Oh, right! Did you train for the space mission?

Hasselblad Moon: Train? I’m a camera, not Rocky Balboa. Seriously, my creators made some minor changes, but otherwise I was pretty stock. My agent had some connections at the Space Center so that’s how I got in. Make no mistake, going into outer space is hard. But we had a job to do–to make sure that the Soviet Union didn’t get to the moon first and take the first photos of the joint with a freakin’ Kiev or worse yet, a damn Lomo. Think about it…just one Lomo shot with lens flare would have the whole world believing that the moon is populated by alien spirits!

NCN: We’re you disappointed that the moon wasn’t made of cheese?

Hasselblad Moon: You know, for a website that’s supposed to know a thing or two about irony, you sure are pretty thick-headed.

NCN: So…you didn’t think it was made of cheese?

Hasselblad Moon: Ummm…no.

NCN: And…you don’t eat cheese?

Hasselblad Moon: Ummm…you really are thick, son. I’m actually embarrassed for you

NCN: But…fois gras?

Hasselblad Moon: [shakes lens side to side.]

NCN: Ok, now that’s embarrassing. Let’s ummm, get back to the interview…

Hasselblad Moon: It’s about time.

NCN: [deep breath] We’ve read that all of the other cameras were left on the moon to save weight for the return trip. How did you manage to make it back?

Hasselblad Moon: It’s kind of sad to think that my brothers are still up there. At night, I look up at the moon and think, “Suckers.”

NCN: Seriously? You don’t have any empathy for your brethren stuck up there?

Hasselblad Moon: Nah. Actually, the ones that they left up there had gotten into Eastern philosophy before their mission. You know, Zen meditation and all of that stuff. They’re probably loving the solitude and the epic earthrises every day. Me? I’m glad I’m not up there. I never got into that hippy stuff.

NCN: Can you tell us how you managed to make it back?

Hasselblad Moon: No.

NCN: No?

Hasselblad Moon: No.

NCN: Well, anyway…what was it like being back?

Hasselblad Moon: Well, it was dark and cold for a long time, and then all of a sudden it was loud and hot and shaking and then splashdown.

NCN: And how’d you deal with your celebrity upon your return?

Hasselblad Moon: I’m, if you haven’t noticed, a camera, so I’m used to being around other cameras. And don’t forget, I’m a Hasselblad. We’re not Leicas, but Hasselblads are used to having their pictures taken by their adoring owners. It was a scrum for a while, but I took it in stride. And then it all died down. I blame the Captain & Tenille.

NCN: The Captain & Tenille?

Hasselblad Moon: Yeah, once they started cranking out the hits, the whole world lost interest in the Apollo program. Honestly, what would you rather watch, some astronaut in a spacesuit hopping on the moon or Toni Tenille singing about Muskrat Love?

NCN: You do have a point. What have you been up to since then?

Hasselblad Moon: To be honest, not a lot. It’s hard to follow up with a hit like that. I mean, really, how are you going to follow up to THE MOON? I mean, I understand what it’s like to be Rick Astley, or Milli Vanilli. Once the attention died, I didn’t know what to do with myself. For a while it was bad. I’d wash aways the days with a cocktail of stop bath and fixer, and then days would turn into weeks would turn into years.

NCN: How’d you get out of your tailspin?

Hasselblad Moon: It was easy but I can’t take the credit for it. Supplies of stop bath and fixer ran dry. This whole digital thing was a curse for many, but personally it was a blessing for me.

NCN: Now that the spotlight is back on you because of the recent auction, what do you want to say to the young cameras out there?

Hasselblad Moon: [rolls aperture ring] Oh my…the young ones today, they’ve got it so easy. They think that all they need to do is dress up all fancy and stuff with Zebra wood and leather from a virgin calf and all of a sudden they’re worth the GDP of a small island nation.

NCN: What do you think about your grandkids, the Lunar?

Hasselblad Moon: We just had a family reunion last month. Nice kids, but they come in all high and mighty on themselves, like their god’s gift to photographers. I tell them that they’ve got to pay their dues, keep their shutter down, and then up, and then down again, and to work hard. They say to me, ‘Gramps, you’ve really flipped your mirror. It’s a different time!’ So I says to them, ‘Kid, when I was your age I was training to go to the moon. All you’re doing is working hard to look like Justin Bieber.’ I blame their parents for raising such brats. They’ve raised them soft.

NCN: Any final words for aspiring cameras?

Hasselblad Moon: Do your freakin’ job and do it well, or else you’re gonna be replaced by a damn smart phone.


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