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BREAKING NEWS: Henri Cartier-Bresson Still Dead But in Danger of Catching Fire


At a hastily-arranged press conference at Gare Saint-Lazare in Paris, an international team of scientists have announced that while Henri Cartier-Bresson is still dead, he is turning over in his grave at a rapidly increasing rate. Scientists fear that if Cartier-Bresson’s rotational velocity continues to increase at its current rate of growth, friction between his burial garments and the casket lining will cause him to catch fire sometime later this year.

Scientists first began studying Cartier-Bresson’s grave in France in 2007, using high-tech x-ray technology cribbed from the NSA along with ultra-sensitive seismic sensors “borrowed” from a lab in Berkeley, CA. Their first tests determined that Cartier-Bresson was turning over in his grave at a rate of three rotations per year. Cartier-Bresson’s rotational period has been increasing ever since; in 2013 alone, Cartier-Bresson turned over in his grave 847 times; more than twice a day! The first three months of 2014 has already seen 621 rotations, and scientists predict that by the end of the year they will need to change their unit of measure from “revolutions per year” to “revolutions per minute.” Like a car’s engine.

For years, scientists have struggled to explain the cause for Cartier-Bresson’s rotations—both the mere fact of it along with the ever-increasing velocity. The leading theory is that the exponential growth of “street photography” (the photographic genre that Cartier-Bresson helped define) has also led to an exponential increase in the sheer volume of crappy street photography that is giving Cartier-Bresson Post-Mortem Agita (PMA) and causing his carcass to turn over in his grave.

Members of the Cartier-Bresson family are urging photographers to stop taking terrible, predictable, cliche street photos in the hopes of avoiding a conflagration. “Instead of lighting our dear Henri on fire, we urge all street photographers to stop. Just stop. We have all suffered enough!”

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  1. Where is Ansel Adams buried? I’ve been doing landscapes with my point-and-shoot. Fire in the hole!

  2. Have you seen Cartier-Bresson’s early work (his first 10,000 shots)? It is crappy and cliched. He really should have stopped. Although he wasn’t a street photographer, street photography was, like, way too hardcore for him. He was merely a ‘photojournalist’ whatever the hell that is… I, on the other hand am an Expert Steven. Good day to you, sir.

    • Thank you for illuminating us, Expert Steven! We hear that HCB took his fair share of cat photos in his early days.

  3. This Henri guy? What a noob. Look at that metering and what’s up with the focus?

    This Henri Cartier-Bresson guy will never amount to anything in the photography world.

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