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Voigtländer Attempts F0.0 Lens, Rips “Small Hole” in Fabric of Space-Time


Local officials, a team of particle physicists from CERN, and a fellow known simply as “The Doctor” have descended upon the Cosina Voigtländer engineering offices in Japan to investigate reports of a hole in the fabric of space-time. The hole is thought to have been caused by the testing of an ultra-fast F0.0 lens, designed to capture even the faintest light.

The lens, codenamed “The Black Hole” was being built by a skunkworks team of Voigtländer lens designers with the sole purpose of competing in the LoHi Canaries in a Coalmine Championship. But something went very wrong on the test bench, causing the tear. In a precautionary move, officials evacuated ten city blocks and have asked everyone with a 5 kilometer radius to extinguish all lights and anything generating radiation anywhere along the electromagnetic spectrum. The Doctor, wearing a safety fez, was overheard saying quite excitedly, “If we feed this thing, the event horizon may grow, swallowing everything including time itself!”

Cosina officials are dismissive of the dire warnings and wild gesticulations of The Doctor, confident that they can sew the tear and continue with design of the F0.0 lens. “It’s just a small hole. A little duct tape should close it up good.” said a Cosina spokesperson. Their interest in the lens is historical—nobody has ever created a lens that fast—as well as financial. If they can successfully manufacture the lens without completely obliterating the solar system, Cosina expects to sell “The Black Hole” in Micro Four-Thirds mount to Internet camera owners bent on proving to the world that you can get good subject isolation even with the baby sensors that they use.


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  1. I heard they were testing it on meteors at night to spot potential doomsday meteors. That probably explains that large burning object heading toward me at 22,000 mph….AAAAAH!!!!

  2. To make the f number approaching 0.0 the lenses diameter must approach infinity. The mass of an infinitly large lense would indeed impact the space-time-continuum. And yes, it would collect photons pretty well, but it will be infinitly hard to get them back out again. Or the camera mounted to it…

  3. I already made a lens at home so fast it goes the other way, I measured -1.00 so it’s sucking a light from the total darkness! I hope it will not suck the canaries during the canpionship into my lens…

  4. I hear it’s much sharper at the corners when stopped down to f/0.005, and you don’t have to blow as much cosmic dust off the lens with your leaf blower.

  5. I have no need for such fast lenses since I switched to light emitting sensors……that´s right, illumination through the lens, perfecly even light and no shadows……anywhere.

  6. You all realize this a joke right?
    A person who only calls himself “The Doctor”, where have I heard that before oh, right IN NEARLY EVERY EPISODE OF DOCTOR WHO.
    The fez was worn by the “11th” Doctor (Matt Smith)

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