Members of the Wide Open Crew, a roving band of photographers carrying ultra fast glass and shooting wide open, have been spotted in Austin, Texas. This group is extremely dangerous, and photographers are being cautioned to take extreme precaution as they go about their day.
Led by the notorious Norman “Noctilux” Nixon (wanted in seven states for “Shooting while under the influence of Leica”), the crew is known to lurk in the darkest corners of cafes, pubs, and alleyways, shooting first and sharpening later. Their motto “Go Fast or Go Home” is lived every day, shunning any lens slower than F1.4 and publicly mocking and name calling other photographers with slower lenses in a brazen attempt to hurt their feelings.
Despite public warning, membership appears to be growing. Officials warn at-risk photographers to think long and hard about joining the Crew, as initiation rites include Krazy Glueing new members’ fastest lenses glued at their widest aperture onto their camera bodies, followed by a nice dinner. Such extreme behavior voids all manufacturer warranties and kills resale value. “This is a lifestyle that many first find appealing,” said a spokesperson from the Society of Reasonable Apertures, “you know…shoot fast, take chances, hope I die before I stop down. But before long, many find themselves going off the deep end, maxing out credit cards to support their habit and buying way more ND filters than a photographer really needs.” For those that have bottomed out of the Wide Open lifestyle, the Society of Reasonable Apertures offers a four step program (called “F1.4”, “F1.7”, “F2.8” and “F4.0”, respectively) to help ex-Crew members resume normal photographic lives.
Photographers in the area with lenses F1.8 or slower are being asked to take extreme precaution until the gang is aprehended or driven out of town. If you find yourself surrounded by members of the Wide Open Crew and are carrying a kit lens, may the Gods (or the Kit Lens Posse) help you.