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Amazon Patents Photons, Sues Sun


In a move that many are calling a blatant example of corporate overreach but others are calling a “vigorous defense of intellectual property in a copy-paste age”, Amazon has patented the photon and filed a complaint against “the sun, Thomas Edison, and the Milky Way Galaxy” for “unauthorized use of Amazon’s intellectual property.”

The trouble started several weeks ago, when word got out that Amazon had patented the studio setup that they use to photograph products that they sell on the website, including lighting, background, camera position and setting…the whole nine yards. The Internet, as one might expect, wasn’t pleased, and proceeded to launch a fusillade of “Big Amazon bad…small photographer good” comments. Even political pundit Stephen Colbert got into the action, lambasting Amazon on his cable program.



In response, Amazon tasked their lawyers with patenting more stuff, and in the words of an unnamed Amazon executive caught unknowingly on tape, “to press our corporate thumb harder upon the soft, fleshy heads of those wimpy photographers.” As a result, Amazon.com has patented the following:

  • The photon
  • The dual nature (wave and particle) of light
  • Any and all objects that emits light
  • Any and all objects that reflect light
  • Any and all objects that capture light

In its first demonstration of its newfound IP power, Amazon has filed it’s first lawsuit in Federal court. Should Amazon win–and they should, since corporations are people too, making them a big giant person with a lot of influence and power–they plan to sue anyone violating their intellectual property, delivering lawsuits with their new PrimeAir drones.

The estate of Thomas Edison is outraged and plans to invent “a thing, or a bunch of things that will make us win the lawsuit.” The sun could not be reached for comment.

In other news, Amazon is considering changing its name to Mordor.com

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