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REPORT: Stock Photo People 2000% Happier

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In a study that is drawing a lot of attention, a team of Heuristic Parapsychologists from the University of Komodia has published a report claiming that people in stock photos are 2000% happier than the general population.

“Stock photography subjects are a special breed,” said chief researcher Avnish Humboldt, “they are able to show happiness, delight, and joy to a capacity that normal humans are unable to do. One minute they are asked to be happy working in a call center for erectile dysfunction, and then the next minute they are attractive and confident business people. Their families are so perfect and they are friends with Latinos, Asians, Europeans, and others.”

Among the key findings in the report, stock photography subjects are:

  • 840% more likely than actual people to be sitting barefoot in a hammock
  • 1,200% more likely than actual students to enjoy studying
  • 15,000% more likely than actual families to be communicative and functional
  • 700% more likely to have mixed race/mixed gender friends
  • 375% more likely to listen attentively at business conferences
  • 625% more likely to look hip, cool, and generally with it
  • 430% more likely to be an attractive businessperson that works with other attractive businesspeople
  • 30,000% more likely to enjoy their work
  • 260% more likely to be well lit
  • 80% more likely to be wrinkle free
  • 15% more likely to have their shoes tied and their zipper zipped

When cumulated, stock photo subjects are 2000% happier than actual people, according to the report.

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It’s not all good news, however, as stock photography subjects can also show anger and disappointment at a moment’s notice, often switching from happiness to sadness in the blink of an eye. Humboldt noted that these times of unhappiness can be brought on by thoughts of herpes, warts, and other conditions for which there is often one or more medications for.

The study was sponsored by Americans for Pharmacological Living, who say that, “We can all be as happy as stock photo subjects with the proper mix of pharma products.”

 

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