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DxO Crowns the New King


In an event that will likely be talked about for days and maybe even a whole week, DxO has crowned the Nikon D810 as the King of All Cameras (KAC) in a lavish ceremony at DxO global headquarters.

It was a beautiful coronation, like something straight out of Downton Abbey, filled with pomp, circumstance, unicorns, and upwards of a thousand blog posts announcing the new king. The walls of the grand ballroom were decorated with oversized DxO charts and 100% crops, each and every one showing the D810’s superiority over a sea of plebeian cameras.

Cameras from all across the land descended upon DxO headquarters, each hoping to catch even a glimpse of the new King.

Among the sea of Nikons in attendance, a D80 (along with his young son D5300) came all the way from Sheffield to see the new king. “This is a very special occasion, one that we’ll only see fifty or sixty times in a lifetime. So I wanted to make sure my son saw this event.”

The Pentax Q color guard was there as well, resplendent as always in their red, orange, yellow, green, purple, cocoa brown, sand beige, olive green, sapphire blue, cherry pink, gold, mint, violet, lilac, metal nave, metal green, and metal brown hues. They were loud and having a bit too much fun though, and more than once had to be reminded that photography is a serious business.

The Micro Four-Thirds contingent was relegated to the back of the hall. Insulted, they mumbled something about getting no respect, DSLRs being doomed, and something else about comeuppances. They then proceeded to use their crop factor to view the ceremony.

The Fujifim crowd arrived in Billingham bags, all haughty and all. But it was more than a little embarrassing to bump into the Leicas who, to nearly everyone’s surprise, looked fitter and younger (particularly the T, who walked in with an iPhone 5!) than their karaoke imitators.

A battalion of Hassleblad Lunars arrived in Lamborghinis. Upon closer inspection, it was determined that the “Lamborghinis” were actually Kias with swoopy bodywork hastily glued on.

Sony was there but in smaller numbers than others; just a RX100 III and A7. When asked why there wasn’t greater representation, the A7 said, “All your sensor are belong to us.”

Noticeably absent from the festivities was rival group Canon, who some say are plotting to kill the new king and install someone from their clan as the new king.

Following the ceremony, DxO put all the plastic flowers and other accoutrements in a closet for future use.


  1. Is there any doubt the HB Lunar will go down as the worst camera of all time? Maybe I should buy one before they all go to landfill, it might be worth something one day?

  2. A Hasselblad H5D-200MS reportedly received an invitation, but declined. “You kids have some fun”, she replied, “but mommy and daddy must go to work. And don’t you get dirt on your fine little sensors! If you are really nice, we bring along aunt Technika, to take a 4″ by 5″ slide of your new king – on real film!”

  3. I don’t always shoot test targets and brick walls
    But when I do, I shoot the Nikon D810

    Stay compulsive, my friends

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