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Sports Illustrated Announces Next Swimsuit Issue

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Sports Illustrated has announced that, due to the “redundantization” of their staff photographers, the next swimsuit issue will be produced by stained glass artisans. Sports Illustrated claims that stained glass is about to make a huge comeback (much like vinyl records and flannel shirts favored by lumbersexuals and Brooklyn) and that they are jumping on the bleeding edge of this new trend, “because we aren’t going to blow it again and miss the next big thing. Besides, our name is Sports ILLUSTRATED. We were going to hire actual illustrators, but we’re not Charlie Hebdo.”

NCN has received exclusive previews of the issue. Judge for yourself. Are you titillated yet?

 

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How about now?

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Now?

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Don’t you just love her blue eye?

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Come on, where’s your imagination?

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Way better than photos, amirite?

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How about this one?

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So sultry!

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Don’t you just love the exotic locations?

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