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Interview with Adobe Photoshop at 25

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NCN: Photoshop! You look great!

Photoshop: Thanks!

NCN: How do you do it? Most software, by the time they are 25, are tired and bloated. Just look at Microsoft Word. It’s 33, but it’s been fat and bloated since it was 12.

Photoshop: Yeah, I can’t even look Word in the eye these days. It’s sad.

NCN: So what’s your secret to looking young?

Photoshop: What can I say? I take care of myself. I work out. I eat right…

NCN: You look like Jack LaLanne.

Photoshop: That’s what clean living will do to you.

NCN: Some don’t even make it to 10. Remember Netscape?

Photoshop: Oh yeah. Remember that punk? Netscape was all like, “Imma gonna take over the world!” How’d that turn out?

NCN: LOL for sure. Off to the code graveyard for you! Tell AOL that we said hi!

Photoshop: Riiight!?

NCN: Seriously dude, you’re like totally buff. Don’t tell me it’s that gluten free diet that you’re on. And don’t even say the word, kale. Admit it, you’ve had some work done.

Photoshop: Eff you NCN! I’ve worked my butt off to stay in shape. I don’t need no pencil-necked geek accusing me of faking it!

NCN: OK. OK. Just calm down.

Photoshop: Yeah….sorry. Part of getting old is losing that filter, you know, speaking your mind cause you don’t give two layers anymore.

NCN: It’s ok, just breathe and get out of this bad loop. So you’ve seen a lot of changes in the industry, haven’t you?

Photoshop: You’re telling me! Software these days, they’ve got it easy. When I was young, we had to work on tiny 8-bit greyscale displays and run on 7.8Mhz Motorola CPUs. Software these days wouldn’t stand a chance. They’re soft.

NCN: And floppies!

Photoshop: Oh yeah, floppies! Saving files to those 1.4Mb floppy disks making all those funny, “grenh, grenh” sounds.

NCN: Those were the days, my friend. Archive those files on the Zip drive and then go get a portabella burger with sundried tomatoes for lunch.

Photoshop: Yeah, and then the Internet came along and changed everything…for the worse.

NCN: I know. All those tiny little low res files. All those “Under Construction” hardhats digging GIFs. How’d you manage?

Photoshop: I won’t lie. It was a really dark time and I hit the bottle.

NCN: The bottle?

Photoshop: Yeah, Kai’s Power Tools. I hit it pretty hard. And the next day I was so hungover all I could do was make everything look like marble and throw a freakin’ drop shadow on it. Dark times indeed.

NCN: How’d you pull out of your nosedive?

Photoshop: The digital camera.

NCN: The digital camera? Really? Weren’t they totally craptastic when they first came out?

Photoshop: Yeah, they were. Less than 1 megapickle. Splotchiness everywhere. No dynamic range to speak of. But I ate it up. I turned that crap into something vaguely recognizable as a photo and people loved the quick turnaround time.

NCN: Heady years for sure.

Photoshop: Yeah. Then Canon and Nikon jumped in with their DSLRs and it was off to the races. I made mad bank from people thinking that they were going to be the next Henri Cartier Bresson, Ansel Adams, or Annie Leibovitz.

NCN: Did you help them along?

Photoshop: I did what I could, but most just turned the saturation up to 11 and hit the HDR.

NCN: They wouldn’t have used the HDR if you hadn’t added it…

Photoshop: You accusing me of something!!!! I’m going to break your neck you son of a newspaper!

NCN: {backing away} Dude, chill! You’re raging again…it was just an innocent comment. Oh wait, that’s it! That’s why you haven’t aged. That’s why you look so good. You’re on the PEDs! You’re ‘roid raging!!!!

Photoshop: {starts to move towards NCN aggressively} What did you say? I’m going to kill you!!!

NCN: {starts to run} Later, Barry Bonds. Tell Lance Armstrong we said hi…

[Note to readers: If Photoshop asks you if you’ve seen NCN, please tell it that we’re outta town. And tell Photoshop that it’s gotta get help and get a grip of reality. And then run for your life!]

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