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EXCLUSIVE: Interview with Santa

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NCN has friends in marginally high places and were able to score a sit down with old Saint Nick. This is not something that other, lesser news organizations are able to do, so read and hang on our every word!

NCN: Thank you Santa for agreeing to do meet with us.

Santa: What do you want?! Can’t you see I’m busy?

NCN: Don’t you have elves?

Santa: I do, but they’re on strike for better wages and working conditions.

NCN: What are you going to do?

Santa: I’m thinking of moving my operations to Vietnam next year.

NCN: Really?!

Santa: You’re dumber than you look.

[Awkward pause]

NCN: Anyways, we’re so excited to meet you! Can we call you Saint Nick?

Santa: No. Call me Mr. Kringle.

NCN: Can we sit on your lap?

Mr. Kringle: It’ll cost you.

[NCN searches pockets for change. Finds $0.75]

Mr. Kringle: You’re kidding me?! You can’t buy a cup of coffee with that!

NCN: So who is going to wake up Christmas morning with a shiny new camera under the tree?

Mr. Kringle: Nobody.

NCN: Excuse me?

Mr.Kringle: You heard me right the first time. Nobody!

NCN: Are you saying that nobody has been good this year?

Mr. Kringle: Jheez, who let you in here? The first thing that I’m going to do after this interview is fire my PR guy.

NCN: We’re sorry, Santa…

Mr. Kringle: …Mr.Kringle…

NCN: Sorry, Mr. Kringle. Anyway, nobody is getting a camera this year? What about Johnny in Sheboygan?

Mr. Kringle: Are you effin’ kidding me? Johnny’s a crap photographer. Heads smack dab in the center of the frame. No thought at all to composition. He just bought himself a new Fuji XT-1 and bag full of lenses this spring and he’s still crap! Do you really think that me squeezing through his chimney with a fast prime is going to make him a better photographer? Fat chance.

NCN: What about Anne of Green Baygles?

Mr. Kringle: I swear I’m gonna put a lump of coal in her stocking – lit coal! – if she takes another photo of her bookcase! Talk about Crime & Punishment!

NCN: So nobody’s getting a new camera this year?

Mr. Kringle: Listen. I’ve been giving people new cameras for the past ten years. Millions of them. And what have people done with them? Taken crap photos. So much focus on the technical aspects of photography, with the creative aspects reduced to formulas like Rule of Thirds and depth of field. That’s not creativity. That’s a cookbook. That’s like someone learning a few guitar chords and then thinking they are Lenny Kravits. So until people step up their game, no more cameras. Sometimes people have to jump out of their comfort zone and try something new. Like that one Christmas ever where there was a big storm. The elves didn’t know if I was going to be able to fly but I found this deer with a glowing nose to light the way.

NCN: There’s gotta be one photographer out there that’s good.

Mr. Kringle: Well, there is one lass…

NCN: Chris? Chris in Conshohocken?

Mr. Kringle: Yes, Chris….she’s a special one. Travels the world. Meets people. Takes great photos. She’s got thousands of followers on Instagram and the Twitter. She has the talent…

NCN (excitedly): So is Chris going to get a new camera this year? Which one…a Sony A7RII…no wait, a Nikon Df….or maybe….a Hasselblad?!!

Mr. Kringle: You fool! Why would I go and do a thing like that? So that Chris can spend a bunch of time in front of a computer downloading and processing RAW files and then joining camera forums to debate the merits of Lightroom CC vs DXO and whether or not the Zeiss Otus lenses render out of focus areas and bokeh as good as they say with the associated pixel peeping and whatnot? And then, inevitably, Chris is spending hours shopping for just the right camera bag and losing her tan and no longer enjoying life because she’s become a “photographer” in a field that’s dying a death of a thousand cuts?

NCN (deflated): So she’s not getting a new camera either?

Mr. Kringle: No, she’s getting a new iPhone.

NCN: Do you have time for more questions?

Mr. Kringle: No. Please leave. There’s a long line of kids waiting patiently for their turn and my lunch break is coming up.

And with that we wrapped up the interview and left the mall.

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