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Adobe Indicted for “Crimes Against Reality”


Adobe, makers of the industry standard image management and manipulation tools Photoshop and Lightroom, has been served a fifteen count indictment for “Crimes Against Reality” in a New York Federal Court. At a press conference, Federal Prosecutor Gladys Pipp made the following statement to the press:

“For over 20 year, Adobe Photoshop has been aiding and abetting a distorted reality, creating an alternate world where nearly everyone is beautiful with perfectly smooth skin, teeth whiter than fresh snow, and a sparkle in their eye. In this alternate world, the sky is always a deep, luxurious blue, unless it’s sunrise or sunset when the sky is on fire with reds and golds and magentas.”

“People in this alternate world don’t seem to work much either, as they seem to spend a lot of time at restaurants where the food is presented exquisitely, luxuriating in their homes with their cats and dogs, or at cafes where the barrista is an expert at making whimsical patterns with the cappuccino foam. When they are not at home, they are invariably on vacation in some wonderfully exotic place or getting married.”

“This concerted and systematic distortion of reality has had a profound effect on the population, increases incidences of depression and divorce. Adobe has been instrumental in demeaning honest, hard working Americans, showing them that they aren’t as beautiful as those in the alternate world, live in uglier homes with homelier pets, and don’t eat out or enjoy their food and lattes nearly as much.”

Adobe plans to fight this case, and are busy photoshopping documents and photos to prove their innocence.

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